The Hurt

I have spent hours over the past few days rereading in some cases and just reading for the first time in most of the other cases your blog. With each entry I cry, cry some more, or harder and even louder and to use one of your phrases I have wanted to peel my skin away and just go up to heaven and be with Lucas and see how he looks, feels, smells, plays and laughs. I always wonder, especially when I hear one of the boys laugh, if Lucas laughs a good belly laugh like your other boys. I bet he does. You do, oh how you do! So, surely he is a laugher like his momma. I know he IS happy and probably runs circles around all the children. He probably even got potty training down PDQ, too.

I know when I say or write this it seems so selfish of me to say, but it is what comes to my head straight away each time I think of Lucas, you and what you, I- and Lucas all went through over the 5 months he was in the hospital. But I will write it anyway:

I feel helpless, as I know you both did. I feel a terrible ache all over and wish so much to fix your pain. I know I can't fix you all's pain and so I then feel helpless. I know it isn't "my job", but it is automatic to want to help the ones you love. You do it for me and with me all the time. Not being able to say or do the right thing to comfort my own family, especially my sister, who always protects me and fixes my problems over the years! Lord, how I struggle with that..not EVER being able to do enough to help you feel better or just FIX it! Then I go thru a somersault of emotions that spin inside me about the eternal sadness for the pain all of you felt, your loss, and then lastly the part of disbelief that it ALLLLLL really happened and cannot be reversed or FIXED! It is terrible and to read on many occasions in your blog how you haven't let it all out and that you keep it in under the tightly healed scab. You do this for your boys and want to one day let it out away from them somewhere safe...so you will be safe when this emotional release happens, deeply worries me and makes me really sad for you. I am here for you, I can be your safe place to let it all out, any time.

I hate those dumb, idiotic doctors. I hate them so much. Down to their toes, I hate them for making our family broken and causing pain and loss. I hate that we JUST have memories of Lucas and not his body and soul HERE with us!

I am so sorry sissy! I am so sorry I-! I am so sorry N-! And J-, I am even more sorry you never laid eyes on your awesome brother in person. I have a feeling he is with you daily, however! How could anyone review this case and say they did nothing wrong. They most certainly did!

I love you all so much and wish desperately to fix it!