The Hurt

I have spent hours over the past few days rereading in some cases and just reading for the first time in most of the other cases your blog. With each entry I cry, cry some more, or harder and even louder and to use one of your phrases I have wanted to peel my skin away and just go up to heaven and be with Lucas and see how he looks, feels, smells, plays and laughs. I always wonder, especially when I hear one of the boys laugh, if Lucas laughs a good belly laugh like your other boys. I bet he does. You do, oh how you do! So, surely he is a laugher like his momma. I know he IS happy and probably runs circles around all the children. He probably even got potty training down PDQ, too.

I know when I say or write this it seems so selfish of me to say, but it is what comes to my head straight away each time I think of Lucas, you and what you, I- and Lucas all went through over the 5 months he was in the hospital. But I will write it anyway:

I feel helpless, as I know you both did. I feel a terrible ache all over and wish so much to fix your pain. I know I can't fix you all's pain and so I then feel helpless. I know it isn't "my job", but it is automatic to want to help the ones you love. You do it for me and with me all the time. Not being able to say or do the right thing to comfort my own family, especially my sister, who always protects me and fixes my problems over the years! Lord, how I struggle with that..not EVER being able to do enough to help you feel better or just FIX it! Then I go thru a somersault of emotions that spin inside me about the eternal sadness for the pain all of you felt, your loss, and then lastly the part of disbelief that it ALLLLLL really happened and cannot be reversed or FIXED! It is terrible and to read on many occasions in your blog how you haven't let it all out and that you keep it in under the tightly healed scab. You do this for your boys and want to one day let it out away from them somewhere safe...so you will be safe when this emotional release happens, deeply worries me and makes me really sad for you. I am here for you, I can be your safe place to let it all out, any time.

I hate those dumb, idiotic doctors. I hate them so much. Down to their toes, I hate them for making our family broken and causing pain and loss. I hate that we JUST have memories of Lucas and not his body and soul HERE with us!

I am so sorry sissy! I am so sorry I-! I am so sorry N-! And J-, I am even more sorry you never laid eyes on your awesome brother in person. I have a feeling he is with you daily, however! How could anyone review this case and say they did nothing wrong. They most certainly did!

I love you all so much and wish desperately to fix it!

Summer Almost Gone for Me!

All play and no school has been the theme this summer! Well, that is all about to come to a screeching halt! But interestingly, I am looking forward to getting back to our school routine. I know the kids need it, because they are plucking each other's nerves. Lord help us all!

To reflect, it has been a busy fun-packed summer of travels and camps. The oldest started summer off with golf camp with her cousin and grandpa. She also did a few softball clinic sessions in the evenings with her grandpa at the same time as the golf camp. That pooped her out for shizzel! The youngest missed her dearly during that week, but he had Vacation Bible School to keep him busy in the mornings! They hit the Paints and Pots shop a few times and made some really cool things! We have been up to Williamsburg to visit the ever popular BG and spent a few hours there this summer. We had some really fun birthday parities around here. Our big family trip was across the map to Arizona. We visited with family, witnessed a cool wedding, visited awesome Sedona, and many other interesting Arizona sites! And it goes without saying they have been in the pool until they are permanently wrinkled. Wosh, I am tired from all that jazz.

Soon fall ball will start and we will be off and running into another school year of after-school events and academics in and among all of it! Maybe we will enroll the youngest in soccer to keep him busy as well. We shall see what the new school year has in store for all of us.

I am excited to be teaching just one core subject this year. Less planning involved and less time away from family, hopefully! With that trade off, I have been asked by administration to chair the school advisory committee for one of the main tactics! This means a commitment of 20+ hours during, after, or before school with 40 folks under me! Yikes! I hope I can juggle the balencing act instore for me this coming year.

A Waste of Time and Energy!

So, as you can see I have a really cute little girl! She is only half of why my life is so full. She is the oldest and she is one of the reasons my husband and I get up each day, put our feet to the fire and face this adventurous life. She is such a thrill seeker, risk taker, "pleaser", lover, compassionate, smart spark of life. Why would anyone want to miss out on spending time with her? That answer, I do not know. But I do know whole heartedly, that it is really their loss. I really want so badly to rip "some people" a note on how I feel with regards to how sad their lack of attention to their family members. I feel it would do NO good, however, it would sure FEEL great to just get it off my chest. But as the title reads.....it would be a waste of time and energy, for nothing would ever change! For "some people" life minimal communication is OK. And in reality, it is really OK with me, but sad for my 2 sweet kids. But what can one do? I will not beg. They do know they are loved by my sweet husband and myself, and without a doubt all that fall on my side of the family will always bend over backwards to help and share an abundance of love for them. So, I fear not, for they ARE LOVED and have FULL lives without "some people"!

OK, so I am feeling guilty. They are not letting me upload a picture of our other half. He is the youngest and ALL boy. If my sister reads this she will be saying tisk, tisk...he is not as busy as her boys. It is all relative! For me, he is so busy and active and off the chizang! But oh, how I do so love him. His features are changing and he is such a mini of his dad. I love that because I always feel like I have best of both all the time! Well, I will have to add the picture later when the o mighty blogger lets me upload it! Dang. But not to repeat the same idea as earlier mentioned...when you see my sweet boy you will ask, why wouldn't "some people" want to spend time with that handsome young man? Believe me when I say, it is their LOSS!





Gosh, looking over this, I say this is really way too much energy on this topic. But some time it just feels good to vent. I know I am not being very "
shiny" now, but we are all human and have moments like these.


Tally Ho~

Some People!

Wow, I really thought we were all put here for the kids? Maybe I am mistaken. I thought we, the adults, are to guide and shape our children/grandchildren. The only way to do so is by spending time with them. Some people are not of that mind set. Clearly, they share different views on that topic.



I believe some people care more about themselves and all that they need to do for themselves. Sad, but true. I really wanted to vent way more about my ture feelings to some people, but I am already in such a rut right now. My "shine" is gone and I need to pick myself up and polish my mind up and off. Going into all that will only dig my gloomy attitude a bigger black hole that is truly lack-luster. UGH!



Missing myself and my honey.