The Hurt

I have spent hours over the past few days rereading in some cases and just reading for the first time in most of the other cases your blog. With each entry I cry, cry some more, or harder and even louder and to use one of your phrases I have wanted to peel my skin away and just go up to heaven and be with Lucas and see how he looks, feels, smells, plays and laughs. I always wonder, especially when I hear one of the boys laugh, if Lucas laughs a good belly laugh like your other boys. I bet he does. You do, oh how you do! So, surely he is a laugher like his momma. I know he IS happy and probably runs circles around all the children. He probably even got potty training down PDQ, too.

I know when I say or write this it seems so selfish of me to say, but it is what comes to my head straight away each time I think of Lucas, you and what you, I- and Lucas all went through over the 5 months he was in the hospital. But I will write it anyway:

I feel helpless, as I know you both did. I feel a terrible ache all over and wish so much to fix your pain. I know I can't fix you all's pain and so I then feel helpless. I know it isn't "my job", but it is automatic to want to help the ones you love. You do it for me and with me all the time. Not being able to say or do the right thing to comfort my own family, especially my sister, who always protects me and fixes my problems over the years! Lord, how I struggle with that..not EVER being able to do enough to help you feel better or just FIX it! Then I go thru a somersault of emotions that spin inside me about the eternal sadness for the pain all of you felt, your loss, and then lastly the part of disbelief that it ALLLLLL really happened and cannot be reversed or FIXED! It is terrible and to read on many occasions in your blog how you haven't let it all out and that you keep it in under the tightly healed scab. You do this for your boys and want to one day let it out away from them somewhere safe...so you will be safe when this emotional release happens, deeply worries me and makes me really sad for you. I am here for you, I can be your safe place to let it all out, any time.

I hate those dumb, idiotic doctors. I hate them so much. Down to their toes, I hate them for making our family broken and causing pain and loss. I hate that we JUST have memories of Lucas and not his body and soul HERE with us!

I am so sorry sissy! I am so sorry I-! I am so sorry N-! And J-, I am even more sorry you never laid eyes on your awesome brother in person. I have a feeling he is with you daily, however! How could anyone review this case and say they did nothing wrong. They most certainly did!

I love you all so much and wish desperately to fix it!

Summer Almost Gone for Me!

All play and no school has been the theme this summer! Well, that is all about to come to a screeching halt! But interestingly, I am looking forward to getting back to our school routine. I know the kids need it, because they are plucking each other's nerves. Lord help us all!

To reflect, it has been a busy fun-packed summer of travels and camps. The oldest started summer off with golf camp with her cousin and grandpa. She also did a few softball clinic sessions in the evenings with her grandpa at the same time as the golf camp. That pooped her out for shizzel! The youngest missed her dearly during that week, but he had Vacation Bible School to keep him busy in the mornings! They hit the Paints and Pots shop a few times and made some really cool things! We have been up to Williamsburg to visit the ever popular BG and spent a few hours there this summer. We had some really fun birthday parities around here. Our big family trip was across the map to Arizona. We visited with family, witnessed a cool wedding, visited awesome Sedona, and many other interesting Arizona sites! And it goes without saying they have been in the pool until they are permanently wrinkled. Wosh, I am tired from all that jazz.

Soon fall ball will start and we will be off and running into another school year of after-school events and academics in and among all of it! Maybe we will enroll the youngest in soccer to keep him busy as well. We shall see what the new school year has in store for all of us.

I am excited to be teaching just one core subject this year. Less planning involved and less time away from family, hopefully! With that trade off, I have been asked by administration to chair the school advisory committee for one of the main tactics! This means a commitment of 20+ hours during, after, or before school with 40 folks under me! Yikes! I hope I can juggle the balencing act instore for me this coming year.

A Waste of Time and Energy!

So, as you can see I have a really cute little girl! She is only half of why my life is so full. She is the oldest and she is one of the reasons my husband and I get up each day, put our feet to the fire and face this adventurous life. She is such a thrill seeker, risk taker, "pleaser", lover, compassionate, smart spark of life. Why would anyone want to miss out on spending time with her? That answer, I do not know. But I do know whole heartedly, that it is really their loss. I really want so badly to rip "some people" a note on how I feel with regards to how sad their lack of attention to their family members. I feel it would do NO good, however, it would sure FEEL great to just get it off my chest. But as the title reads.....it would be a waste of time and energy, for nothing would ever change! For "some people" life minimal communication is OK. And in reality, it is really OK with me, but sad for my 2 sweet kids. But what can one do? I will not beg. They do know they are loved by my sweet husband and myself, and without a doubt all that fall on my side of the family will always bend over backwards to help and share an abundance of love for them. So, I fear not, for they ARE LOVED and have FULL lives without "some people"!

OK, so I am feeling guilty. They are not letting me upload a picture of our other half. He is the youngest and ALL boy. If my sister reads this she will be saying tisk, tisk...he is not as busy as her boys. It is all relative! For me, he is so busy and active and off the chizang! But oh, how I do so love him. His features are changing and he is such a mini of his dad. I love that because I always feel like I have best of both all the time! Well, I will have to add the picture later when the o mighty blogger lets me upload it! Dang. But not to repeat the same idea as earlier mentioned...when you see my sweet boy you will ask, why wouldn't "some people" want to spend time with that handsome young man? Believe me when I say, it is their LOSS!





Gosh, looking over this, I say this is really way too much energy on this topic. But some time it just feels good to vent. I know I am not being very "
shiny" now, but we are all human and have moments like these.


Tally Ho~

Some People!

Wow, I really thought we were all put here for the kids? Maybe I am mistaken. I thought we, the adults, are to guide and shape our children/grandchildren. The only way to do so is by spending time with them. Some people are not of that mind set. Clearly, they share different views on that topic.



I believe some people care more about themselves and all that they need to do for themselves. Sad, but true. I really wanted to vent way more about my ture feelings to some people, but I am already in such a rut right now. My "shine" is gone and I need to pick myself up and polish my mind up and off. Going into all that will only dig my gloomy attitude a bigger black hole that is truly lack-luster. UGH!



Missing myself and my honey.

Spring, a time for new beginnings and making Good Habits!

It has been some time since I last wrote, but what is new. I thought I better get in the habit of doing it since I will be taking a class this summer on HTML and becoming a Web Master. Maybe I will be able to practice and hone my skill with my new HTML knowledge on my blog site. We shall see. Anyway, spring brings new beginnings and therefore a reason to get into new habits. I must get in habit to floss, use my teeth whitener kit, jump rope, do sit ups and hula hoop, stay on my WW's plan, keep up with my summer on-line class, keep up with my blog, read my sister's blogs, scrapbook, do the boring laundry, dust and scrub toilets! Yikes, that is a long list of habits to undertake! Nevertheless, I must do them!!!!

I just finished reading my sisters blog and she is, and I say this all the time, a great writer. Many times I shake my head while reading her postings and think to myself, she is wasting her time; she really needs to be writing professionally. I hope she does that one day. Really, I do! She is a good model to follow for making it a habit, to keep up with the blog...for her it is a strong desire and therapeutic as well, I think. She is drawn to do it. For me, I love to do it, just like I love to read for pleasure, but far to often I don't make time for myself and just do it! Honestly, if I am sitting down for too long at night; I begin to think what should I be doing. Even while my husband and I watch TV there is always a pile of laundry or a project near by that I am doing while we sit. Many times he will say are you going to "JUST" watch TV with me? Put that down, it will be there in the morning....but what he hasn't figured out yet, is that is what I hate...waking up to a chore...straight away! Ugh.....off to get on one of my habits! I hope you are working at or on one of your many habits, too!

Tally HO-

Gloomy-Busy-Day

Well, I have been running the roads since 9:00 a.m. this morning. First, off to G.F.E. to sneak a reminder letter in my oldest classmates homework folders regarding Teacher Appreciation Week. I ended up checking her homework folders just to help out and for basically dropping by unannounced. Thank goodness they were going out for a bathroom break and then recess. Then off to WalMart to pick up the last minute things for the American Girl Club activity for the day. Since it is the last day of clubs we are having a tea party for the girls and their dolls. I do hope they all have a good time. I know my oldest is super excited about the event. As the final activity they are going to be making the orange scented clove hanging ornament and maybe a Molly color page if time permits. We have really gone all out and for this round of clubs and the girls have been involved in many really neat American Girl Activities.

My youngest didn't sleep well last night and needed an early nappy and I am glad, as he will have to go with to the last club session and I want him to be in the best mood and on point with his behavior! One can only hope things will go well, once you have done ALL you can to make that very thing happen. We shall see how it goes. I am sure we will be fine.

I need to get cracking on my May calendar, as I feel very lost without it on the fridge! So, off I go for now! The warm weather didn't hang around for long. Today is doom and gloom; a good day for book reading and maybe a few crafts if time would allow for it. Unfortunately, my busy life only allows me to do what is needed at that given time, or shall I say whatever my calendar declares needs to be done, despite the wishes of book-reading or crafting!!!! Regardless, I am having a good day, accomplishing much and having fun with my little guy along the way! I hope you, too, are doing well and having a good one!

M-

So, Here I Go!!!

I was just on my sister's blog and I am so very impressed! Well, let me clarify which sister I am referring to, the youngest! She has redesigned her blog spot and I LOVE it! Both my sisters are really cool with making neat things happen with their perspective blogs. Another thing they do really well with their blogs is WRITE! Yeah, my youngest sister told me tonight that she wouldn't help me make my blog jazzy with music and such until I used my blog spot more and wrote! So, here I go, again!!!

I want to also take a minute to say I loved my youngest siste's painting she did for her roommate's birthday. What a wonderful gift from the heart and so very thoughtful, too.

OK, today was a busy day. I did loads of things around the house. My youngest and I did a lot of preschool prep today...puzzles, colors, shapes and ABC's and 123's and we rounded the time off with his fave "Reader Rabbit" computer game. He is a whiz with the computer mouse. I hope he is as quick to pick things in life like his daddy. On that note, today at my oldest t-ball game he was so into what his big sissy was doing, as per the usual. However, after the game was over he went on the field with daddy and had his sissy's bat in hand and slugged the ball off the tee 4 times in a row, without any help from his dad. No one has ever helped him or showed him what to do, he has just been soaking it all up at practices and games. Oh how his dad was beaming from ear to ear; I think I could just read his mind.......it would go something like this...that is my boy, a doer, a thrill seeker, an adventurer, a slugger, a future athlete! I love that little tyke! Yeah, he is a proud papa! When we got home and started our nightly routines for shower, bath, teeth, stories and bed, my husband stole a moment away from the kids and asked if I saw my youngest on the field earlier that evening, and I said why yes, I did! I saw you both and I told him how the both of them looked so happy having fun out there! It truly was a moment in time that I wished I had a camera or maybe even a video camera, yeah that would have been much better!! Anyway, our kids grow up so fast. We should all enjoy it while we can. Heck, you may not believe this, but often I say out loud to my husband, I can't believe we have two kids and they are already 2 and 6! Wow, time flies by so fast. Hug and love your kids right now and always!

K, I also banged out a stack of really cool thank you cards for a group of awesome volunteers at my oldest school. The cards look really cool and I am so glad I got to make them rather than giving them a store bought one which the coordinator wanted to do. I feel like they take time out of their lives and give that time to us, the very least we can do is put a little time into a nice thank you! And so off I went and got them all done today! What a good feeling of task complete and task done for a good cause, too!!!

My day was complete with good family times, good deeds, and fun, too! I just wish I was a little more motivated to exercise more and EAT less sweets!! Lord, I pray for that strength and motivation I need to get myself healthy.

Oh, my husband, who is just a big kid, told the daycare kids that they could swim today. Yeah, he opened the pool two Sundays ago and it has been his hobby ever since. Well, I said no one gets in unless the water temperature was 75 degrees and our pool clocked it at 76. So, with great reservation I let them all go in for about 25-30 minutes and not one of them complained of being cold, and yet I saw one little bean pole of a sweet day care kid shiver her lips many times. She was the first to say she wasn't cold, but she too, was the first to get out!! In the end they all had fun and I suppose if I were a kid, I'd be excited about a pool opening and want to get in it too! Perhaps they were just simply giddy with excitement about being in the pool that they didn't pay any attention to the fact that they were a slight bit cold. Oh well, I hope no one gets sick and all is well with everyone for the next few weeks. I continue to remind everyone that all pools don't open until Memorial Day and then my big kid of a husband kindly reminds me that this is OUR pool and OUR rules rule!

Good night and we shall see what Wednesday has in store for all of us! And gosh it feels good to have an entry on my blog in the current month! Grins and Giggles~

Tally Ho